a thing that’s fucked me up pretty badly and that i am still trying to deal with is the way i’ve gendered patterns of feeling in my life. the ways this has manifested lately have mostly been around dismissing desires for/crushes on women who aren’t close to me as “gross dude shit.”
like oh, you’re really into some girl who you don’t know super well? that’s gross dude shit.
for whatever reason, i still have a hella strong association between unexpressed desires for other women and feeling like a horrible gross dude. which is all kinds of busted, obviously, but it’s still there. it’s one reason why being submissive has worked out so well for me, because i’ve been able to count on partners to be more forward and dominant and make it less scary for me to express desire.
but i don’t want to be afraid of expressing desire at all! the problem is, of course, that shitty transmisogynistic culture paints trans women as overbearing, male-socialized space-taker-uppers at best and rapists at worst, so it’s not the most helpful context for working out apprehensions and fears that there are a million reasons to have in the overlapping context of a culture that is terrible with consent generally and with teaching women how to express desire specifically.